iChef Journal [01.16.2002 Wednesday] Dissapointed? Yeah, a bit. Frustrated? Yeah, a lot. Tired? Yeah. Oh yeah. Its been a tough adjustment still being here in San Diego. I have avoided this topic for a while but I guess things are kind of creeping out with this journal. I mean, there's a lot to take in and digest and also just to sort out when figuring out where I am, where I think I should be going, and where I think God wants me to be (in terms of my location). And so, lately, I've had a hard time being at church. I think a lot of frustrations have just built up: from work schedules, to my lack of trust, and other stuff-- especially the way I fall into the trap of loneliness, and for now, I'm taking a break from going to Harvest. It's hard to work on friday nights at Domino's when I'm used to going to fellowship. It's hard to hear about stuff that goes on when I come home. I think stupid stuff like: why didn't he tell me about this or that? or, dang, stuff just happens and i'm just around, or dang, where's the togetherness of things -- it's so hard to relate or no one really understands what i'm going through. Stupid stuff man, because it just gets me down. I know I'm an emotional dude, and that I get caught up in all of my worries and insecurities. I clam up and shut the door when I'm dissapointed, and the walls go up when I feel lonely. Even those I'm closest to I distance myself from -- i think that nobody can understand and nobody will get the chance to listen to me. With all this said, I wonder if I'm doing what is right. I've been praying for God to help me to love again. To help me to see the good in people, to appreciate them as His creation, to see them as God sees me: this messed up dude that wavers so much, but I still love him anyway. Mikey said some good stuff last night. He prayed that: Even as the situations change, -- the college years slip by, I sprain my knee, I become old, I struggle to make ends meet, I feel out of place, I stay or leave -- may I continue to rely on you God, the one who is steadfast and unchanging. ___________________________________________ | previous | journal (i need a good name) | next |